Ah, tax time.
It’s my favorite time of year, that time when we get back a little slice of the interest-free loan we gave the government without much of a choice.
Damn, I need to stop reading web sites that originate in Montana.
The wonderful state of Colorado is always kind enough to provide a long list of charities on the back, and with a simple pen stroke you can choose to donate to any of them.
Here listed are the items and why you would have to be a complete jackass to donate one cent.
The Nongame and Endangered Wildlife Cash Fund
I have a problem with the term “cash fund.” Are the owls getting cash to…do what? Go into casinos? Why would it need to be a cash fund? If a bald eagle wants to buy a fucking Wendy’s Double-Stack on credit, and he has some way of communicating that to you, I say let him.
The Colorado Domestic Abuse Program Fund
Great, I get to make fun of battered women this early on. That’s really nice. Although I have to say, there is somewhat of a problem with the name of this fund. Maybe I’m just being picky, but it sure reads like a fund that is funding domestic abuse. I don’t know if that’s an hourly wage or more of a pay-per-punch situation, but it’s good to hear that people have learned to parlay their passions into careers.
The Homeless Prevention Activities Program Fund
What exactly the fuck would a homeless prevention activity be? How hard do you have to convince people that being homeless is not great? I’d say burn all the Jack Kerouac books and that’s about the end of your programming right there. There’s really only one program I believe in when it comes to the homeless, and it was most fully expressed in the motion picture Hard Target where Lance Henrikssen hunted the most deadly prey of all. Why malnourished and insane bums were the greatest prey of all I don’t know, but that’s their tagline.
The Special Olympics Colorado Fund
Why are these special olympics so local? Do they think a retarded guy wouldn’t enjoy Spain? And on the flipside, maybe I’m curious what a retarded person from, I don’t know, Mongolia looks like exactly. Maybe the bidding wars aren’t as hot for the special olympics. Hey, here’s a money-maker: Cities are picked and then have to bid to keep the special olympics away. The cost of creating parking for giant vans must be enormous.
The Western Slope Military Veterans’ Cemetery Fund
I’m not going to get into the fact that we’re paying for the burial of people who have made one of life’s worst decisions, but how about you stop making military corpses and we stop burying them?
The Pet Overpopulation Fund
What the fuck does this pay for, scissors? I think that for $20,000 we can pay one guy with a sack and river access to handle this entire charity single-handedly. He could reuse the sack for fuck’s sake!
The Colorado Healthy Rivers Fund
Oh yeah, look at these poor rivers. Look, I don’t know where the water is coming from, but it was bound to run out eventually. And I’m pretty sure those cans were here when we got here.
The Alzheimer’s Association Fund
Easy one about how they won’ fucking remember, but I’d say this is a bad charity because they aren’t using the money the way I’d like to see it used. If a guy doesn’t even remember who he is, why not drug him and have him wake up in a giant maze, or a hamster ball going over a waterfall? This is our chance to do horrible things to human bodies that are not really human anymore. And before you start calling me Hitler, go fuck yourself and curl up on the couch and watch the Notebook again, you pansy.
The Military Family Relief Fund
Family? Why are you having a family and then riding around the desert in a Hummer? Do all your desert riding first, then have those dumb kids. Trust me, they’ll be just as shitty. Plus, nobody in the fucking army wants to hear about your two precious little ones at home, believe me.
The Colorado Breast and Women’s Reproductive Cancers Fund
Why are we so obsessed with breast cancer? I can’t buy a goddamn bagel without seeing a pink ribbon on the package. Why has this cancer captured our interest? I have seen the internet, and I have seen some breasts. Great. Why is this the big obsession? Furthermore, I want to see some goddamn progress. If the AIDS people beat you to a cure, you’re going to be goddamn embarrassed, I’ll tell you that right now.
The Adult Stem Cell Cure Fund
I don’t even know what this is.
The 9Health Fair Fund
Great, so we can allow bums (see above) to have blood drawn and the rest of us to look at some stupid diagram of a giant heart. Sounds great. I’m pretty sure that the 9Health Fair is a disguised version of that thing you did in elementary school where they check you for lice and then put those stupid fucking headphones on you and make you raise your hands.
The Make-a-Wish Foundation of Colorado Fund
There’s kind of a flaw in this whole Make-a-Wish structure. If you’re five and gonna die, what difference does it make if you go to Disneyland? Now, if you’re 35, in good health, and likely to continue living a shitty life of working at Best Buy until you die in the breakroom while eating a sandwich you don’t even put condiments on because you can’t taste anymore, I’d say that you’re going to need some kind of vacation at some point to buoy your spirits, something to look back on while you slowly decay next to the home audio equipment. Maybe this foundation should switch gears to providing people with terrible, and terribly long, lives a chance to have one nice weekend.
The Colorado 2-1-1 First Call for Help Fund
I’m not sure what this is either. A 911 alternative? Why? What possible reason could there be for this?
The Unwanted Horse Fund
Well, you really saved the best for last. Here’s a suggestion if you don’t want a horse: Don’t get a fucking horse. It’s not like a puppy that is supposed to be small and grows up to be so big that when it comes time to put it down you’re not sure a revolver will cut it. It’s a fucking horse. There’s a really simple test to know if a horse is going to be big. Simply ask yourself, Is it a horse? If your answer is yes, then it’s going to be big.
Where are all these unwanted horses? I’ve never had to chase off a horse from eating in a dumpster, and until I do I can’t really see much point in donating here.
Maybe this is actually a fund that’s about killing horses, specifically those ones that cops ride around downtown. I hate that shit. What are you going to do, ride up next to me and knock me down with your horse? That’s got to be the most impractical thing ever. I bet the Segwey cops and the horse cops have a lot of pillow fights to decide who is worse. So I guess those horses are unwanted, by me at least. But the solution seems simple. Cops have guns, duh.
If you donate to unwanted horses, you better donate to me, because this thing gave you more entertainment than any goddamn horse ever will.