1010. Have a car phone date while you are both driving home from work.
“Hello? Oh, hi. Yeah. Good. It was fine. No, it was fine. Okay, well, the only thing I hate more than talking on the phone is nearly crashing into a bridge, so I’ll probably let you go. But this DOES count as one of the three dates we have to have before sex. Alright. Bye.”
899. Frolic at the bottom of a waterfall.
Oh yeah, that sounds great. Where the fuck are we supposed to find a waterfall? The last ten times I’ve seen a waterfall, it’s been in the lobby of a Chinese restaurant. And I don’t frolic in front of the Chinese, ever. And how are you supposed to sell this idea? “I thought we’d hike up to some fuckin’ waterfall and frolic. You know, jump around in circles with ribbon wands and shit.”
1578. Visit your Alma Mater
Let’s see. Here’s where I vomited on the side of a building. And this is where I used to sit and eat my lunches because there was no class in here and nobody would see that I was eating a terrible sandwich all by myself. Um, also this is where I took a class. Geology?
1839. Hold tight while bobsledding.
Okay, that’s realistic. You know what, I barely know you and still decided it would be a good idea to go to the effort of arranging something that nobody ever does and also seems fairly dangerous. And for what, just to hold onto some dumb girl’s dumb waist? No thanks. You know what else you could do? Just go on a regular date and then touch her body at some point. You don’t have to concoct this bizarre situation just to put your arms around somebody. Maybe when you’re really lonely, but even then, just get a motorcycle or start hugging attractive strangers in bars and then act horrified when they’re not who you thought they were. No need to bobsled.
703. Cheer at a local youth soccer game.
Perfect. That’s what a parent really wants to see, some asshole who has half a boner because he’s on a first date, yelling at kids to kick harder.
1986. Go to a teddy bear convention.
This wouldn’t be a bad idea, but I’m a little concerned that my date or I might be swept off our feet by one of the many, many cool, fun, interesting, attractive individuals sure to be at these conventions.