1. Because you serve fucking nachos! If I’m not mistaken, which I rarely am when it comes to snackfoods, Doritos are supposed to be some facsimile of actual chips covered in actual cheese, which is something you have already. This would be like continuing to serve Pepsi products, but also giving people the option of the generic store-brand soda equivalents.
2. Because there are about 40 billion outlets for Doritos already! If I want Doritos, I can find a bag of fucking Doritos. Believe me. I’ve got this one covered.
3. Because nobody is coming to your restaurant for fucking Doritos! Who is drawn in by that? Who is saying, “I hate Taco Bell, but I just can’t think of a better way to get the smallest bag of chips in town” as they drive around deciding where to spend their sad lunches?
4. Because Doritos have gotten shittier every year since 1990! Time was you would get a bag of Doritos and each chip was sandblasted with flavor dust. You had to use archaeological tools to dig through the flavor and find an actual chip, but now it’s like they only even flavor one side and the other side is a plain (albeit bright orange and crazy-looking) chip.
5. Because Laser Pickle! That’s a thing.
6. Because fries are still a thing! Couldn’t you just make fries? Nothing makes me more pissed off than going to a burger place and getting a child’s bag of chips on the side of my plate. You might as well just give me a fruit cup, because I’m not eating that shit either.
7. Because those fucking bags are so goddamn small! They can’t even fit a single chip laid flat in there, which must be why all the chips are always goddamn destroyed into a billion shards instead of giving you the satisfaction of eating one whole triangle.
8. Because if I’m sitting next to one more person and I see them tip a bag back into their mouth to eat all the pieces too small to pick up, I will get a gun from my glovebox and have a very quick debate about shooting them or myself! Here’s a tip: If you decide that a piece of food is too small to pick up, then you just might be wasting your time finding another way to eat it.
9. Because Wendy’s doesn’t sell Oreo two-packs as a fucking dessert!
10. Because the last thing any restaurant needs is a huge rack of chips somewhere when you’re in line! Nobody has figured out where to put this fucking thing. After you pay, before you pay? And then the asshole at the counter, when I order a sandwich, he always says, “Is that all?” even though I’m holding a bag of chips almost up to eye-level to make sure he sees it, and it almost feels like he’s challenging me to an honesty test that could result in me leaving the store with $10,000 if only I’d told the truth.